Layers of Running
Running has no consideration for the rest of your life. In fact, some days it has no consideration for your running life. It doesn't owe you a good day or think you deserve a bad one. You haven't earned a perfect race or a PB. I hope it happens for you, but running knows no bounds You have worked hard for it, but Running doesn't follow the rules.
In the beginning as a runner, your mind is all consumed with the physiological sensations and discomfort. Your legs are heavy, your lungs are burning; your muscles are fatigued and on the edge of cramping. There is no time or space for meta, existential thinking, just all-encompassing in the moment thoughts of, "am I just going to die?"
No. At least not right now, from this.
I don't know when this – these thoughts, feelings and internal narrative - changes. I don't know when it goes from the point of feeling unbearable physically, like every step exerts physical pain and struggle to eventually feeling like it is less like that. Because in some ways, that beginner runner self, always exists.
Perhaps it’s more feeling like the control over it is increased and you can choose to go to those physical depths of pain instead of just being thrown there. At some point you start to have autonomy over the depth of the well that you dig – you end up there because you dig for it, not because it happens by default. It’s a different kind of hard. But I don’t know when that changes over either.
In many ways, the physical discomforts are just replaced. They're replaced by mental gymnastics about starting and continuing and pushing forward when it hurts. They’re replace by this mental game you play with yourself of trying to squeeze a little bit more out of every effort and never really feeling like it is enough. “Could I hurt more?” They're replaced by this other constant: running is never easy. There are easy runs, but they’re not always easy. There are easy days. but the truth is, most of the time easy follows hard. It’s an easy day after a long run workout, or an easy day after a 12x1k repeat workout day; but you can’t expect after that, for it to feel easy.
I remind myself of this almost every day. This idea that it is hard and I'm choosing it because it is hard and that it is not going to feel easy most days. At least not to start. There will be easy days, but it's like a qualifier or guideline more than it is a descriptor. And the runs will get easier as you keep going, but in the beginning it will likely be a guaranteed bone fide slog. Especially if it is also hot, or windy or you are already tired. Slog on anyways. Get tough, get going.
I believe running can fundamentally change you as a human being. It makes you more compassionate to yourself and others, fosters humility and humbles you to your foundational roots. It changes your perspective, teaches you hard lessons and forgives - again and again and again. Perhaps even more than that though, it creates a version of you that wasn’t there before. The version of you that starts running is not the one that finishes a half marathon a year later. The version of you that starts a long run solo, slogging out 30k in the cold on tired legs and low energy, is not the same one that finishes. You are a different person at the end of that run, walking around with this bursting bit of pride over what you accomplished and how hard it was to push through. It makes you see your day differently, your challenges differently, your work differently. It shifts your perspective on hard things later and transcends your trajectory around discomfort. You get comfortable with being uncomfortable – because 21km in, what other option is there?
Maybe you’re a runner and this makes a lot of sense to you. All of these things are resonating, as you shake your head vigorously in response to examples where you have felt similar or have had parallel experiences. If you’re not, you probably have your own version of running; you have your own version of that thing in your life that is hard and uncomfortable but always worth the effort. You have something that exists in the dichotomy of a love-hate relationship, sometimes being the best part of your day, while simultaneously being the hardest thing you have to tackle. Whatever it is for you – running or otherwise – have kindness to yourself on the days when it feels hard and insurmountable. Push forward on the days when you just want to quit or not even start at all. Hold on in the moments where you hear a voice that says stop, but you know differently.
Each of these is hardening you for something else. Layer upon layer. At some point, you look back upon all the layers and pieces and moments of disquiet, and you realize it made you into the person you are today. Those were the transcending pieces of your life – the little pieces that all added up to do big things. Keep showing up.